"Nothing Beats a Failure But a Try"

Sooooo, disclaimer: I’m not the best writer so brace yo selves.  

Moving on.  So I woke up one morning at about 7am, no clue why I was up that early on a Saturday but hey.  I woke and decided, hmmmm, I think I want to run a half marathon.

Me: I think I’m gonna run a half marathon

My Body: …..Nah

Me: Yep, I’m gonna run a half marathon

Body:

After convincing myself that I’m ACTUALLY going to run this race I started looking up training programs.  

For reference, I. HATE. RUNNING. Oh my gosh I hate running!!! I can barely run 1 mile without feeling like I might actually die.

30 seconds into a mile I want to stop because I can hear myself breathing heavy and it’s just awful.  

So this is a BIG DEAL for me.  

So I finally settled on the Hal Higdon training program.

Dis -----> http://www.halhigdon.com/training/51131/Half-Marathon-Novice-1-Training-Program

The program has 4 different training levels and of course I chose Novice 1 because my legs aren’t meant to be training like I’m a pro-athlete.  I stared at how many miles I’m supposed to run each day……..

Ya’ll…..I’m gonna DIE.  I saw the first day of running said 3 miles and almost convinced myself that I didn’t need to run this race.  BUT, I’m way too competitive and stubborn, and once I convince myself that I can do something there’s no stopping.  

Why are you running?

Most people usually have a super deep reason behind running a half marathon.  They want a fresh start after a breakup, they want to prove to themselves that they’re strong, they ran a 10k or a 5k and want a new challenge….NOPE, not me.  I’m running just because.  I really just want the bragging rights of putting a 13.1 sticker (that’s how many miles are in a half marathon for those who don’t know) on my car and/or laptop.  So I can walk around like yeeeaaa bish, I ran that!!

I’m kidding, I’m actually running for my mental health.  I have some rather extreme anxiety that interferes with almost all of my relationships (friendships included).

I have panic attacks almost every day because I’m ALWAYS uneasy about every decision I make or everyone else’s actions.  This ranges from simple interactions like checking out with a cashier at a store to telling a friend that I don’t want to go to a party because I know I’ll have a panic attack about meeting new people.  It comes in different forms as well; I may ask a male companion to come over and if they tell me No or that they can’t come over, I overthink the reasoning behind the response, the length of response, and how they responded (no vs. I’m sorry, I’m busy), and you guessed it…..I have an anxiety attack.  Seems dramatic and over the top to most, which is why I never talk about it.  So yah, I’m running to keep my mind busy and learn patience.  HOPEFULLY, if I can learn how to be patient and think through simple situations, I can develop new strategies to deal with my anxiety.  

Am I nervous? FUCK YES. Am I scared? YOP.  But the one question that comes to mind every time I tell myself that I can’t do it or that I won’t be able to finish because I run too slow:

 “How do we turn our fear into curiosity?”
- Chip Conley

And with that, I leave you all until my Week 1 Update.

"Nothing Beats a Failure But a Try"